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White, Male Activist Snaps Too Hard

At a recent lecture by a visiting speaker, a white, male, self-identified activist snapped so much that he wore off his fingerprints.

“I could hear snaps and ‘mhmmm’s from this guy after every single one of my sentences,” the speaker said, who had been discussing sexual harassment of women in the workplace. “When I discussed specific experiences of women of color, he seemed to really get it, y’know?”

The white, male activist, Guy Splainer K’17, said that he loved attending these events specifically for the sharing spaces at the end.

“It’s so nice to be on a campus where everyone will listen to my experiences,” Splainer said. “Everyone is so open to giving me a space to talk, I can’t imagine going to a school with students who were more closed off about listening to the issues I face here.”

Splainer added that just because he identifies as a cisgender, white, heterosexual man doesn’t mean he hasn’t faced similar issues in the workplace as the speaker and other women on campus.

“In addition to speaking about what I have faced, I also love to speak about the experiences of the women I am friends with. It’s really hard for them to sometimes to get people listen to them,” Splainer said. “It is especially important to speak for women of color, so I really do my part through social media and by speaking at as many events on campus as I can.”

Splainer discovered his lack of fingerprints when he was arrested for protesting gentrification in various cities throughout the U.S. that are prime spots for college students to move post-graduation.

“They released me right away. It was so much fun!,” Splainer said.

The police officer who arrested Splainer said that it would be a hassle if Splainer were ever arrested for something more serious and they couldn’t identify him.

“I need to be more careful,” Splainer said about snapping whenever he really identifies with something that is said. “I don’t want to hurt my snapping fingers to the point that I can no longer peacefully protest.”

In order to avoid being arrested, Splainer has even given up his usage of recreational marijuana. “I wouldn’t want to get arrested for possession and have them think I’m hiding something larger because of my lack of fingerprints.”

Splainer’s friend interrupted to say “It’s not like you, a white cis-gender male, could is going to be arrested for possession of marijuana—”

“And that is what is wrong with this country,” Splainer said, snapping.

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White, Male Activist Snaps Too Hard