Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

The Boring Nick Caywood

Kalamazoo College is an institution that is blessed with many exceptional student athletes. Throughout this quarter The Index has profiled many of these exceptional student athletes, but this week the only “athlete” available was Nick Caywood ’17.

Caywood is a sophomore from Hopkins, Mich. However, no one is actually sure where Hopkins, Mich. is, so maybe he made it up. This would be consistent with Caywood’s personality as he regularly makes facts up.

He claims to be on the Kalamazoo College Football Team, but no other member of the football team has actually ever heard of him. When asked about Caywood, one football player said, “Is that like a special type of firewood or something?”

Outside of his claims to be a football player, Caywood is a member of literally nothing else on campus. He calls himself the most uninvolved student ever because it helps him avoid distractions and to focus on the important things in life. “For me, the most important thing is sitting on the quad alone and trying to feed squirrels,” said Caywood. He says the squirrels are his best friends on campus.

When not feeding squirrels, Caywood likes to walk around campus promoting one of his favorite causes; croquet. He calls himself a “slightly-better-than-awful” croquet player and says that it is unfair K doesn’t have a croquet team. Caywood often visits the athletic director and demands a varsity croquet team be started. He calls croquet the only real sport in the world.

I’m realizing this profile has gotten very difficult to write because Nick Caywood is literally the most boring person on campus. It requires this sentence just to fill the required word count for this story.

Surprisingly, Caywood claims to be a member of one club on campus called The Society for Independent Independents Who Value Their Independence. He is the only member. On campus people call this club they have barely heard of “the no friends club.”

All in all, Caywood is a nice guy who you should say “hi” to whenever you see him. If you don’t he might follow you around campus until you acknowledge his existence. If you never acknowledge him he will then begin writing you poems and slipping them into your backpack when you’re not looking. It’s all really quite odd.

Best of luck to all those on campus who have to deal with the ever-so-interesting Nick Caywood.

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The Boring Nick Caywood