Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Students to Engage in Mortal Combat for Registration Times

(Courtesy Photo)

DEWING HALL –The Registrar’s Office released a statement last week indicating that the method for allocating registration times would be changed this quarter. It spurred after students complained that their registration times prohibited them from signing up for classes they wanted.

“We understand the frustration that many students experience when the classes they want to register for are full, especially when those classes are required for their major or minor. As opposed to assigning registration times randomly, as we have in the past, students will instead battle each other for time slots,” the Registrar said in the statement.

When asked for his thoughts on the decision, Brandon Odensson ’16 said “Now I really regret not going on study abroad.”

While many students were shocked at the decision, others, like George Massman ’15, are eagerly preparing.

“I’ve spent the past few hours sharpening sticks and chipping bricks into spearheads. I really want to get into Fundamentals of Acting next quarter, so I think my homework can wait.”

Other students could be seen smashing bottles and fashioning nunchucks out of their lanyards. Meanwhile, others, like Cassidy Feldhousen ’17 of the French living learning house, are going on the defensive.

“We’re boarding up the windows to our house right now, and we plan on dropping our textbooks on anybody who gets too close. They aren’t worth that much at buyback anyway.”

When it was pointed out that they lacked defenses at the rear of their house, she said “It’s pretty heavily wooded back there, so we don’t anticipate anybody coming from that direction. No, I haven’t read my French history textbook, why do you ask?”

To make sure that they will be able to survive without easy access to food, some students have started stockpiling ramen noodles and water. Others have come up with more creative solutions.

Bianca Seaberger ’18 had converted the heater in her room into a makeshift stove to cook what she called “squirrel and acorn goulash.” Though the meat was a bit stringy, she said that slow cooking it had helped tenderize it considerably.

The Office of Residential life has said that if all goes well, it may use a similar method to deal with the housing shortages on campus.

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Students to Engage in Mortal Combat for Registration Times