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Students Have Dangerous Amounts of Homework

(Courtesy Photo)

UPJOHN LIBRARY COMMONS – As the quarter approaches its end, many students are finding that they are busier than they have ever been at any other time during the quarter.

“I have a group presentation on the nineteenth, the first part of a calc final Friday, and an eleven page history paper due Friday as well,” said Laura Dover ’16 as she watched Netflix on her laptop. “I’m not procrastinating, just taking a break. Everything’s fine. Every. Thing. Is. Fine. Haha.”

However, others, like Tommy Jones ’18, are coping less well.

“So many pages… so many pages… so many pages…,” he repeated as he rocked back and forth on the floor of the reading room, his knees pressed to his face and a vacant look in his eyes. When asked if he meant pages to write or to read, he started bawling.

The immense mounds of homework may also present a danger to students. Members of the College’s security are still digging through mounds of it in search of Raymond Espenada ’15, who disappeared two days ago. So far, two have received serious paper cuts. A friend told us that Espenada said he was going to pull an all-nighter in his dorm room to finish a research report, but never emerged.

In addition, the sheer weight of the homework may be too much for the College’s buildings to handle. Engineering professors have raised concerns that Trowbridge Residence Hall could collapse if even a minute amount more homework is assigned.

Professor Gerald Hortweiler of the Physics Department has stated that “the sheer mass of homework on campus so high that if enough of it is concentrated in one place, say, the library, it could create a cataclysmic implosion. There would be a sort of homework black hole from which nothing could escape.”

When asked if this had made him consider reducing how much work his students had to do, he simply said “no, I think my students will be fine.”

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Students Have Dangerous Amounts of Homework