Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Squirrel Community Loses Member

Fluffy Bushtail among the underbrush during his happy days. Bushtail would’ve turned 70 on June 9th. (Robert Manor / Index)

EAST CAMPUS – The local community is in shock over the recent death of businessman, rotary club member, and squirrel by the name of Fluffy Bushtail. According to local law enforcement, Bushtail fell to his death off of a tree branch and onto electrical equipment, causing a brief power outage to multiple buildings on the east side of Kalamazoo College’s Campus.

“Well, if the fall didn’t kill him, then the electrocution probably finished the job” said Sheriff Gnaws McPaws, an opossum. When asked about the circumstances surrounding Bushtail’s death, McPaws answered “we suspect this was an accident, but we are keeping other possibilities in mind.”

The death has been the subject of much gossip and commentary in the local community. “It’s all so sad” said chipmunk Larry I-Like-Berries as he stuffed food into his mouth “he really was a vry prsnt hrmph grph mph mph.”

“I have been following the investigation closely and hope that we can all have closure soon” Linus Slimus, an earthworm, responded when asked how he felt. “I already have enough to worry about in the neighborhood.”

A robin by the name of Dora Flappy said, pecking at Slimus, “Frankly, I suspect it was a murder. Fluffy had a large life insurance policy, not to mention a major stake in acorn and pine nut futures. There’s an endless list of people who could have wanted him dead.”

Sandra Webfoot, a frog, agrees with Flappy.

“I’m not racist, but if I had to guess who killed him, I’d say it was a hawk. There’s a reason they call it ‘fowl play’, you know” she said.

One animal that chose to remain anonymous stated that “I don’t know who could have done this, but whoever is responsible should be brought to justice. I don’t know who they think they are, but you can’t just kill whoever you want without consequences. Who. Who who.” They then proceeded to regurgitate a small clump of bones, feathers, and skin.

Sarah Van Doyle ‘18 said “Ew. I don’t want to talk about a dead squirrel.”

Authorities have said an autopsy of the body may not yield any meaningful results, due to the fact that Bushtail’s body was picked at by Ravens and thrown in a dumpster before it could be retrieved by a team of raccoons from forensics.

Thankfully, power has now been restored to all the buildings that lost it, but the investigation is still pending.

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Squirrel Community Loses Member