Friends, Romans, countrymen – lend me your ear. After much soul-searching and deep thinking in the shower, I have come to a difficult conclusion. As my second to last quarter at Kalamazoo draws to a close, I must come clean with my fellow students.
Before continuing, I find it necessary to give everyone some background information about me. I’m often known on campus as “that feminist chick” (another famous nickname is “who?” but that’s beside the point). I’m heavily involved in the campus feminist organization, and every single one of my Index articles is basically “How did America fail women this week?!” But, after several years of doing this, I feel like I’m living a lie.
K College, I’m secretly a misogynist.
You never would have guessed, would you? After all these years, I have fooled you all! All of my Tumblr activity, my involvement in POWER, my articles, my tweets, the various books I read and papers I write – they’ve all been a front for my secret double life as a raging misogynist.
I’ve now done over twenty opinion articles for this fine publication, but here’s an opinion I can stick with: women should stay to their separate sphere, and not invade the sacred area of men.
Women belong in the home, taking care of their small army of children being birthed every two years, and have no place among the public realm. Women have no reason to educate themselves, since the increased blood flow to the brain takes away from their baby-making machines. I know I’m in college, but logic isn’t my strong suit, like most misogynists. Honestly, women should just remain in their respective kitchens and make the men their lives some damn good sammiches. My favorite sammich to make is ham and cheese. I implore everyone to embrace their favorite sammich, so they can make it for their men.
I’ve used notions of antiquated gender roles to get through life. Feminism has done nothing for me, and I am glad to be rid of such a ridiculous social movement. This confession really takes a whole lot of weight off my chest. Thank you, K College, for allowing me to find my true colors.