Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Shark Swallows Student

(Devon Guinn / Index)

The Kalamazoo football team pulled off a win against Hope College in their last game of the season. This win was a big deal not only because the football team has not defeated Hope since 1995, but because Hope ostensibly summoned a great white shark in wake of losing.

Ronnie Russell ’17 recounted how the Hornets won. “The ball was poorly snapped and rolled on the ground for little then finally, as it was kicked, Hope got a hand on it and partially blocked it the ball hit the bottom bar of the field goal post and finally, bounced into the uprights.”

The final score? Kalamazoo 30, Hope 29.

The celebration on the field was very energetic. So energetic that the teams’ energy channeled a monster from the depths of the sea. This is no exaggeration. Number 93 has been eaten by a shark on the field.

It sounds a bit far-fetched, but spectator Janay Johnson ’17 saw it happen. “Once the team started celebrating their win, a giant shark emerged from the field.” This finned beast opened its mouth, and, as Johnson summed, “the rest is history.” Unfortunately for number 93, his jumped for joy ended in a jump right into demise.

“We think it was Hope getting back at us,” Johnson said.

Number 93 will always be remembered for his performance on and off the field as a student athlete. His legacy will live on at this college. Number 93’s family would like to remind the student body to always be alert because you never know when these freak accidents may occur.

Football player Shon Powell ’18, who had just read Herman Melville’s seminal work, that the perpetrator was really a white whale. He wants to start hunting the whale, exclaiming “This is the Pequod, bound round the world! Tell them to address all future letters to the Pacific Ocean!”

Meanwhile, winged demons have been spotted at Hillsdale.

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Shark Swallows Student