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Opinion Writers Have No More Opinions

As of this week, opinion writers Emaline Lapinski and Emily Pizza have run out of opinions to write about.

“It’s just…” said Pizza ’16, “I can’t even say. I have no more opinions left.”

Both writers attribute the lack of opinions on the huge demand for opinions in today’s society.

At K College, the need for someone to spew at least one opinion once a day can quickly deplete one’s stock.

“I’ve been writing opinions for two years now,” said Pizza. “Now I can barely offer my take on past reading for class, much less write 300-350 words about whatever is happening on campus.”

Word from Dow is that everyone has a limited supply of opinions in what is informally called an “opinions tank.”

Much like the gas tank on a car, these opinions can be used up, causing the “opinions tank” to run dry unless filled again. Refilling the opinion tank can’t just happen – it often needs to be triggered by campus drama or a national/world-wide event.

“I feel,” Pizza started, before pausing and then wandering away.

Students in Dow have yet to develop a temporary solution to empty opinion tanks. A prototype “Vitamin O” is currently in development, but not available to the public. According to one Chemistry major, who wishes to remain anonymous, Vitamin O, when taken, causes the user to explode into a frenzy of opinions.

“Right now, we’re trying to perfect the vitamin,” a representative from Dow explained in the grove behind Trowbridge . “During the last test, users would just provide their opinions without even being asked or in the middle of conversations where it was not an appropriate topic. We want to perfect the formula so that users can reserve their precious opinions until the tank can be refilled by natural means, like by a politician saying something racist or the campus squirrels dressing in racially insensitive costumes.”

Will this new Vitamin O be the cure? Who knows, I’m out of opinions.

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Opinion Writers Have No More Opinions