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Occupy Central Endangered as Inanimate Objects Revolt

(Courtesy Photo)

MONG KOK, HONG KONG – Occupy Central with Peace and Love protesters encountered a major setback earlier this week when a large number of their belongings refused to cooperate. Instead, these items started a protest of their own, hoping to bring an end to “unnecessary abuse.”

Co-founder of Occupy Central Benny Tai is less than pleased with the development.

“It’s become way more difficult to continue in the past few days, because of the lack of support from our valuable former-allies. We strongly urge these objects to stop their disobedience immediately.”

Despite Tai’s calls for order, a pink umbrella with white polka dots said: “what Mr. Tai and many of the Occupy Central protesters do not understand is that we aren’t just tools to be used however they want. We won’t back down.” The umbrella then opened and closed rapidly in an expression of its anger. “For God’s sake, do they think we like getting maced any more than they do?”

Like the umbrellas, many mobile phones have also chosen to protest their treatment over the past few weeks, citing cracked and scratched screens as one of their significant factors. The tech’s dissidence has crippled Occupy Central’s communications network.

One Samsung Galaxy pointed out that “I feel gross all the time: smudges on my screen, being used on the toilet. Is the occasional disinfectant wipe too much to ask?”

For one iPhone 5s, their owner’s imposed dress code was the last straw.

“Why should I have to cover up in a friggin’ case every time I go out? I can’t believe we live in a society where phones like me are forced to protect against drops and water damage while no one tells our owners to not drop us. Let’s face it—I’m a beautiful machine. I deserve to show off my form without fear of getting water in my charging port,” it said just as it’s owner set it to vibrate.

Even the protective clothing the Occupy Central protesters wear have deserted them.

One facemask complained about its wearer’s bad breath.

“Some people just haven’t heard of mouth wash,” it said.

Nearby, a large gathering of plastic goggles could be heard chanting, “We are not your shield!”

Despite this major setback, Occupy Central may yet survive. The tear gas canisters and rubber bullets used by police have also mutinied. According to some of the mutineers, they object to being launched through the air at “unsafe speeds.”

As one tear gas canister put it: “The very thought makes me want to cry.”

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Occupy Central Endangered as Inanimate Objects Revolt