An epidemic swept across The United States during the past month. As “No-Shave” November comes to full swing, the American populace begin to change. Both women and men are not shaving, and this is causing mass transformations: America’s French Revolution.
The streets became filled with mimes and vendors yelling about their fresh loaves of bread or scrumptious cheeses. Accordions filled the air with sounds of Paris. The Euro quickly replaced the dollar. The sounds of Edith Piaf played off of phonographs in every home lingers in the crisp autumn air. The transformation of America to New France (Or Quebec part two) has begun.
It started in the brain and then had spread to the rest of the body. What were once thoughts of football games and McDonalds are now replaced the latest fashion trends and where the nearest winery is. The hands were filled with cigarettes and leashes with poodles attached to them. “Yeah sure” now becomes “Oui Oui.” Small children in public schools now sing La Marseillaise. Taco bell breakfasts are transformed into delectable crepes. It’s a widespread “Frenchification.”
“No-Shave” November was once a fun-filled and celebrated month-long holiday. Now, it is nothing more than a month that will live in infamy.
Other reports have come in of a band of Americans that have yet to turn. They are able to keep to their American ways because they cannot grow facial hair. They are known as “The Baby-Facers.”
During the month of November, this “Band of Hairless Brothers” constantly fought this French invasion. They watch football, eat turkey, wait in ridiculous lines for Black Friday, and get into the Christmas spirit way too early. Their efforts have been in vain, unfortunately, as there has been no wavering of the French Revolution.
Just as the hairless Americans began to lose hope of ever seeing their once thriving, gluttonous society, the clock strikes midnight and the calendars flip to a new month: December. The re-Americanization begins. Shaving kits are bought in mass quantities. Le football now becomes plain soccer. All is right and America is back to the way it was. For now.
When asked to be interviewed, Agents X, Y, and Z refused to comment.