Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Humans, Animals Clash Over Weather

(Courtesy Photo)

No doubt this winter has been a rough one; the sidewalks have been icy, wind chills have frequently been below zero, and it has snowed for days multiple times. Students have been wearing layers and spending as little time outside as possible, but they aren’t the only ones struggling. Many animals have sought shelter inside, much to the chagrin of those who already live there.

Kaylee Rutkins ’16 told The Index “I’ve had to put mousetraps all over my dorm room, but they just keep popping up everywhere.”

“The use of spring traps, and especially sticky traps has been condemned by us animals, as they are in violation of interspecies treaty,” said Animalist diplomat and squirrel Freddy Fuzzybottoms.

However, the humans have contended that the animals already broke the rules of war, because their bodies already carry numerous biological weapons in the form of disease. In an effort to fight back, the Animalists have begun to dig secret tunnels, making fighting them an arduous process.

“It’s especially difficult because the spiders have begun to lay silk tripwire traps inside of these tunnels. Plus, they’re so creepy,” Charles Chen of Facilities Management told The Index.

“It does not matter for how many months this war drags on, we shall fight until all the popcorn and chips are fairly distributed among all the creatures of this campus,” said a statement recently released by Animalist leader Mouse Zedong.

However, support appears to be waning as the conflict enters its tenth week. Some have accused the pro-war Animalists of heavy-handedness after a dove peace rally was broken up by a hawk.

With the recent warmer weather, there has been hope that the conflict may end peacefully, but negotiations have reached a standstill until the two sides can agree on the height of table they will meet at.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*


Humans, Animals Clash Over Weather