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House of Cards Leads to Health Concerns

(Courtesy Photo)

Frank Underwood nearly claimed another victim last weekend when junior political science major Carrie Stevenson was found on her couch in a catatonic state.

Once revived, Stevenson attributed her condition to crushing disappointment with the newest season of “House of Cards,” Netflix’s hit political thriller.

“I honestly don’t know what happened,” Stevenson said.  “One minute I’m watching Frank brood around the inside of a church, whispering violently at a statue of Jesus or something, and then BAM: I’m out cold.”

When he found her, Stevenson’s friend Chet Michaels was worried that he was too late.

“Her eyes were glazed over, you know?  I figured she’d been like that for a while, because Netflix’s ‘are you still watching?’ message was frozen on her TV,” he said.

According to Michaels, an ambulance rushed Stevenson to Bronson Hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Sandy Bötooms, a neurologist on Bronson’s nighttime medical staff, says Stevenson’s case is far from unique.

“We see people like her in here all the time.  When they show up they’re nearly unresponsive, murmuring things like ‘America Works sucks,’ and ‘Frank should’ve just run in 2016. Why would he burn all of his political capital in such a high-risk move like ousting Walker when he knew that being the next Gerald Ford could never lead anywhere other than ridicule and bitter partisan divide?’ Yeah, mostly stuff like that.  I don’t really know what any of it means, though.  I just stick to ‘Dance Moms,’” she said.

Bötooms noted that while the hospital’s doctor-patient confidentiality policy prohibited her from speaking specifically about Stevenson, she’s trying to say “yes to life” more this year, so she might as well let The Index sneak a peek.

Pointing to an MRI scan of her patient’s brain, Bötooms identified the source of the problem.

“You see that there?  Doesn’t that kinda look like Kevin Spacey being angry for no reason?  My colleagues in the break room were pretty split on it, but I think the resemblance is truly striking,” she said.  “Now, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but my guess is that as she realized Season 3 wasn’t going to pick up the pace, a small Spacey-shaped clot formed in her frontal lobe, leading to intense disappointment followed by complete unconsciousness.”

Now out of the hospital, Stevenson hopes to savor her new lease on life.  She plans to finish the quarter strong and is looking forward to some time off for spring break.  While she expects Netflix to be a part of her time off, “House of Cards” is out of the question, Stevenson says.

“I don’t know, this guy in my political theory class says ‘Bob’s Burgers’ is hilarious, so maybe I’ll try that.”

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House of Cards Leads to Health Concerns