Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Dear Amelia

DEAR AMELIA-

Last weekend I streaked the Quad. I started at the bottom of the hill and when I got to the Chapel, I realized there was a group of people sitting there. One of the girls in the group is in my bio class and I’m doing a group project with her. It was dark, but I feel like she definitely saw who I was. I kinda like her and feel really awkward about this. How should I address it? –CHEEKS OUT, FREAKED OUT

DEAR CHEEKS OUT-

As usual, the beauty of a small school is that she’ll probably read this, think your concern is endearing, and you’ll be dating by next week. In the unlikely event that that doesn’t happen, I will tell you what I think. I’m sure your mortification allowed you to run faster and she didn’t see too much. Next time you see her, just say “Hey I’m sorry about last weekend,” and make a grimaced face when you say it. She’ll know you’re sincere but casual and hopefully not creepy. Don’t make anatomy-related jokes around her for awhile. In fact, just don’t do that ever.

 

DEAR AMELIA-

I found this coat in the Caf a couple of weeks ago and despite how impractical a white coat is, I love it. The issue of course is that I’m starting to feel bad about having it. Should I post in K Student Body and pretend like I just found it, or just keep it at this point? –COMING CLEAN

DEAR COMING CLEAN-

HI YES THAT IS MINE. Is it a Columbia?  If so cough it up or I will find you. I felt excessive and preppy and impractical in it and I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since so let me have nice things again J (note to campus: this is a true issue, if anyone finds this jacket let me know and I’ll buy you lunch or offer a hearty handshake or something).

 

DEAR AMELIA-

I really love my parents, but I’m having a hard time because they are worried about me studying abroad next year. I’ve told them every Thailand-related detail I know, but they still ask me all kinds of nervous questions about what I’ll be doing and who I’ll be there with. Now they are talking about renting a house there for a few months. Help! –CODDLED AND CONCERNED

DEAR CODDLED-

First of all, take a second to reflect on how great it is that they care so much about you, this is good. I get it though, and would feel equally smothered. The key is to show them how responsible and independent you are. Buy your mom something with a credit card rather than sticky change from your console, give your dad a ride to the train station with NPR bouncing from the stereo at a tasteful, yet assertive volume, and don’t lose your Ray-Bans every two months. Show your confidence by cleaning the shower drain with your bare hands, cutting up your steak all by yourself, and winking more. As for the house? This does feel a bit intense, but on the other hand, it would be a sterling opportunity to watch them navigate Thai clubs. There’s always a silver lining, and this one involves your parents drinking weird things and trying to twerk.


Buzzkill is The Index’s end-of-quarter satirical publication.

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Dear Amelia