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Buzzkill

Campus Bookstore Increases Security

(Courtesy Photo)

Due to the increasing price of textbooks, Campus Security has decided to implement measures to further discourage theft. Some of the new policy, including a ban on baggy clothing in the store, has already taken effect.

An employee at the bookstore, Janis Janus ‘15, told The Index “They really are sparing no expense. They’ve added steel shutters to the windows. Also, the glass is bulletproof.”

The increased security comes after a student accidentally forgot to pay for a pen during fall quarter. The incident shocked the college’s shareholders, who demanded immediate action.

“After such a breach, we realized our security had become too relaxed. For this reason, we have chosen to implement, for example, a new alarm system that releases sleeping gas into the art supplies section” said campus security officer George LeForge, Jr.

Despite its popularity among administrators, the new policy has ruffled the feathers of many students. Some are complaining about the potential for bodily harm caused by the spike pits and poison dart guns. Others are concerned that the rope swing over a lava lake is not accessible to the disabled.

Laura Craft ’17 said: “I think the Rottweilers were okay, ‘cause they were chained up, but the landmines were a bit much.”

Johnathan McDonathan ’16, who was found twitching on the floor, asked The Index “Could you help me ZZZZT get out of this ZZZZT electrified ZZT bear trap?”

When asked if it would be better to use the money to subsidize the cost of books instead of spending it on laser tripwires and shark-filled moats, the Board of Directors had no comment.

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Campus Bookstore Increases Security