Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

Banana Bandits Still at Large

A rare image of a suspected member of the organized crime organization known as the Banana Bandits. [Delaney Fordell / The Index]

In this time of financial uncertainty for Kalamazoo College, a single Dining Services policy prevents utter chaos — students may not leave Welles Dining Hall with more than one piece of whole fruit each.

Yet on Thursday evening, right in the middle of dinner hours, the Dining Hall was sieged once more by the notorious Banana Bandits. This marks their third strike this week, and the college community continues to live in fear of sudden tuition spikes. The Bandits made their dash out of the Dining Hall, rushing past Betty, each carrying two or three pieces of whole fruit.

Students, James Bean ‘18 and Sally Orange ‘19, were particularly shaken after the most recent attack. Bean was standing outside the cafeteria, waiting to enter, when the siege occurred. “All of a sudden, they were running out of the Caf and pushing people out of their way,” Bean said. “Then, I heard a shriek and an evil cackle coming from the direction of the Business Office.”

Orange was also witness to the escape of the bandits. “I tried to step in their way, and I only succeeded in knocking a banana out of their hands. The one in the banana mask turned back for a second, like they were going to pick it up, but then they left it,” she said. “I don’t see why they need to steal them. I guess they just feel like they need more fruit.”

New security measures have since then taken effect. A security guard will be posted outside each door of the Dining Hall so that the Banana Bandits can be caught once and for all. Director of Campus Security, Hugh Elderberry, explained the increased protection. “We want to be sure our students and fruits feel safe on campus,” he said. “We suspect that the perpetrators may in fact be students on campus and we would like to encourage other students to be on the lookout for any of their peers with an increasing amount of fruit.”

Elderberry assured the campus community that the security will be further increased by an electric field that will be installed around the fruit stand in the Dining Hall. “When it is ready sometime in the winter, it will shock anyone who tries to take more than one fruit,” Elderberry continued. “We will stop these thieves.”

 

The Buzzkill is the Index’s quarterly satirical issue, published during the last week of every term.

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Banana Bandits Still at Large