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Badger Found in Book Club Salad

An eye-witness sketch of the rodent in question (Courtesy of Sean Briggs). An eye-witness sketch of the rodent in question (Courtesy of Sean Briggs).

It was a typical Thursday afternoon at the Book Club: baristas called out drink orders, students fidgeted with their punch cards in line, and the acidic aroma of freshly brewed coffee drifted over the shop. Then, a scream pierced the air as a student dropped her boxed Avocado & Mixed Berry salad onto the shop’s stone floor.

“I didn’t know what it was at first…all I could see was something dark and large coming out of the plastic salad container!” said Ima Witness, K’20, who was in line at the time of the incident.

The orderly procession of students devolved into an every-person-for-themselves scramble, with students scurrying every direction to avoid the creature emerging from inside the salad box’s plastic casing.

Justice Student, K’19, the owner of the salad in question, was also caught up in the initial confusion. “When I grabbed the salad from the fridge, it felt a little heavier than usual. I thought they’d just added some extra avocado or something,” she said.

Instead, Student discovered a gray, furry creature peering back at her from inside the transparent, plastic salad box. “I’d heard about people finding flies and hairs and stuff in their salads before…but this is a whole new level,” she said.

The K Student Body Facebook page, which provides accurate and objective information to the campus community, often includes information about students’ experiences with Dining Services. In past weeks, there has been an uptick in posts warning other students about the unexpected additions occasionally found in the Book Club’s large boxed salads.

The situation last Thursday, however, was unprecedented.

“I’m actually an amateur bird-watching enthusiast,” said Un Helpful, K’18, a barista on the scene. “So yeah, I knew immediately the animal in the salad wasn’t a bird.”

The official security report identified the saboteur as an animal resembling a badger, a heavily-built, nocturnal mammal of the weasel family. All efforts to retrieve the runaway rodent were thwarted, and Security believes the badger may have escaped to the grove behind Trowbridge Hall.

The incident caused students to question the operations of Dining Services. “I’m most concerned about labeling issues,” said Witness. “That salad was probably marked as ‘vegetarian.’ You just can’t take labels at face value anymore.”

As for Student, she just hopes others can learn from her experience. “I really should have taken a picture for the Student Body page. Otherwise, how can anyone be sure it even happened?” she said.

Buzzkill is The Index’s end-of-quarter satirical publication.

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Badger Found in Book Club Salad