Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

An Open Letter to Zoe Barnes

(Courtesy Photo)

Hey Zoe, Graham Key here.

You may not know who I am, but I certainly know you…well, I know the same-named investigative reporter from the hit Netflix series House of Cards.

At the beginning of the school year we at The Index collected names for our email list.  Yours was on it.  Naturally, we were dubious at first.  I mean, what are the odds?  Two girls named Zoe Barnes, both interested in journalism—it seemed too good to be true.

In our excitement, we dove into the K email address book to verify your existence.  Words can’t express the joy felt in that moment.  Let’s just say we partied House of Cards style (whatever that means).

Having discovered our very own Zoe Barnes, we watched anxiously as new writers filed into the first meeting of the year.  And we knew what you looked like, because we scrolled through all of your Facebook profile pictures during the Board meeting earlier that day (we all thought your pro pic from March 24 was super great, by the way).

One by one people filed in, but not you, Zoe.

You probably signed up because you felt pressured.  I mean, that’s why most of us signed up for Swing Dancing.  Anyway, we were all super bummed that you didn’t come.  You could say that the loss we felt in that moment was comparable to the pain Lucas felt when he found out HOC Zoe tumbled in front of a train.

And that’s why I’m writing you this letter.  I don’t know why you don’t come to our meetings, but it’s not too late to start.  If you’re worried about covering the Student Commission, getting too close to Alex Werder and turning up dead, don’t worry, we’ve all been there.  But it hasn’t happened yet (as far as we know).  And if you’re worried about falling short of honoring your fictitious counterpart, fear not.  We all thought that character was super annoying, so truly anything above awful would be an improvement.

There’s never been a better time to join The Index, either.  I’m here, the layout’s pretty cool, and the admin hasn’t shut us down yet.  If you want a front-page story, our only criterion is that you provide a series of sentences of literally any length or quality.  What other paper can offer that sort of exposure?  Certainly not one with standards.

So, as The Index’s Publication Manager, consider this your formal invitation to give us a shot next quarter.  We don’t bite, well Claudia does, but other than that we’re pretty nice folks.  We meet in our office next to the Leadership Lounge Sunday’s at 8 p.m.

Devotedly,

G

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An Open Letter to Zoe Barnes