Kalamazoo, MI
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American People Abandon Calendars in Favor of Mass-Produced Food

Calendars were a nice last-minute gift that used to say “I don’t care that much about you and I don’t really know what you like.” (Courtesy Photo)

Another month already is halfway to completion and Americans have still been dating October as the current month. This permanent fugue state on the part of the American people has grown increasingly frightening to the United States’ government. The people themselves seem unperturbed, not a single American could be asked to comment because Real Housewives of New Jersey was airing a rerun at the time of attempted questioning.

Because of this month unawareness, the FDA and American government have teamed up to create the alternative calendar. All mass produced food, fashioned into holiday specific shapes, will now serve as the new time indicator.

Foods such as the heart shaped candy for Valentine’s Day, pumpkin shaped Reese’s for Halloween, and football shaped food for the Super Bowl. All of these pre-existing foods will now function as the calendar we once had.

Now, when Americans are writing out their checks to purchase Shake Weights in bulk from an infomercial, they will simply glance at the bowl of Santa-shaped macaroni noodles on the TV stand next to them. They will then realize it must be late November.

“I only buy calendars for the pictures of dogs and cats dressed up like deceased presidents,” commented an anonymous American. Such a sentiment is true for most Americans. Calendars, much like an analog clock, are the dusty old sundials of the modern age.

Calendars are only a nice last minute gift that used to say “I don’t care that much about you, and I’m not really sure what you’re interested in.” That is the way it must stay. Why use calendars when you can kill two birds with one stone? Through the focus on chemically- soaked and preservative-enriched American cuisine, you can do just about three things.

TV dinners shaped like a shamrock will tell you the time, be prepared almost immediately, and give back money to the massive corporation that produced it. This is what makes an American an American.

In Kalamazoo, some use the farmer’s market’s produce to tell the season or month. This is also acceptable; however, keep in mind your money would be going to someone that actually earned it. Following produce is also more complicated for time telling purposes. It is much simpler to discern the month based on jack-o-lantern shaped Doritos than based on the color of your corn.

However you choose to tell time just rest assured that the ancient relic of the calendar has finally been laid to rest.   

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American People Abandon Calendars in Favor of Mass-Produced Food