Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

All Praise Pizza

(Graham Key / Index)

First of all, you’re all welcome.

I sit at my computer every week and tirelessly look up sources, find statistics, interview knowledgeable individuals, and write an article about things that matter and nobody seems to read them.

Until I get you all free tuition.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Germany creating free college tuition, and a few weeks later, we become a tuition-free college. Coincidence? I think not!

My expert opinions on the topic were enough to get to  the college president, and convince her that a tuition free school was important to meet Kalamazoo College’s opinions on having a socially just campus.

Our previous tuition was out of this world expensive, and not having to pay that anymore gives students plenty of extra moolah in their wallets.

Therefore, I would like to use that extra money to create a school wide holiday. I decree today, November 19, Emily Pizza day.

We would all get today off from classes, so we can fully bask in my awesomeness without having to worry about papers or exams, and there would be a parade in my honor.

The cafeteria would have specialty pizza’s with my face painted on in black olives and pepperoni. And, of course, the mural would be covered up with a blown-up image of my article I the paper.

The issue of The Index that comes out that day would be all about me, with all of my favorite past opinion pieces and other articles noting how spectacular a person I am.

It would also include a letter from yours truly updating the school on my most recent accomplishments, which I’m sure will include finding the cure to cancer and creating a teleportation device, amongst other things.

Basically, after all the hard work I’ve done complaining about campus issues these past few years and forcing you to read them in print-form, I deserve some special recognition.

For those of you that I don’t deserve this, or that I’m tooting my own horn too much I have one thing to say to you:  go find another school and pay their tuition.

Moral of the story, I’m great, and I deserve my own holiday, you’re welcome.

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All Praise Pizza