Kalamazoo, MI
one-hundred-forty Years of Service to the Student

Buzzkill

A Letter to the Editor: Ding-Dong…what exactly is a hymen?

Dear Editors of the Index,

I have to say I was disappointed by the play, “Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone.” I came to this college expecting a clear education about life, and this presentation did not answer any of my questions.

I entered the theater hoping to understand the human body better, but the monologues — filled with harsh words, the Lord’s name in vain and shocking pop culture references — were entirely too scandalous. The play also mentioned people who are overweight, drink alcohol and drive cars quickly, which we all know are health hazards.

I like plays to be uncontroversial, educational and filled with naked women. Its not a lot to ask, and I was certainly disappointed by Tommy, but I was hoping as the trees burst into bloom and the girls put on their bikinis to lie by the volleyball court that I would finally get what I need.

I have several problems with the play. First, there were no naked women. As a straight man, I love the way naked women look: their curves, their badonka donks, etc. The women in this play reported to have sex, but I didn’t get to see any proof of that stuff. Does any one know where I can find some pictures of naked women?

Also, the play was not very informative. I was hoping for LAC credit and a First Year Forum. I laughed, sure, but I also left with some questions. How do women find mates? Where is the clitoris? What is the hymen? I am a typical Midwestern man and I have been rounding home with my girlfriend of 3 years, if you know what I mean. I want to make her happy and I was hoping that this play would help me. I’m still not sure how the human body works!

It’s so confusing in this modern world. I keep going to concerts and cultural events expecting to learn about society, only to leave disappointed and angry. “Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone” was my fourth attempt to learn about the female body through art. The first was a Georgia O’Keefe poster my aunt had. She paints some pretty flowers, but where is the hymen? The Violent Femmes? Men!!!! The Barenaked Ladies were equally dissatisfying.

I’m tired of false advertising!  I wondered if there was life after death. Ghostface Killa was still alive and offered no answers. The Green Day concert was at night and everyone was wearing black T Shirts. I did not need my inhaler at the Weezer concert! I am still a virgin after attending “Deflowered Memoirs: Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone.” I wish the theatre department had chosen a play I could relate to more, like “Twelve Angry Men.”

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.


*


A Letter to the Editor: Ding-Dong…what exactly is a hymen?