Mar. 24, 2017


Kalamazoo, MI


Est. 1877

Kaeli Peach K’16 Finally Transfers

Peach can no longer cope with Kalamazoo College and has thus decided to finally move on. [Provided by Kaeli Peach] Peach can no longer cope with Kalamazoo College and has thus decided to finally move on. [Provided by Kaeli Peach]

After months of threats, Kalamazoo College Senior Kaeli Peach officially transferred to Hope College in Holland, Mich.

“Even though I only have, like, two days left of classes before graduation I just felt that it was finally time for a change,” Peach said, “I’ve been here for four years, I’m kind of over it.”

Since the beginning of this school year, Peach has been commenting on many posts in the Facebook group called “K Student Body” letting others know about her inevitable transfer and encouraging others to join her. Recently, when a student asked about library hours on the page Peach commented, “leave before you end up like me.”

“This school has turned me into everything I hate,” Peach said in an interview, “All I do is make delicious beverages at the Book Club and write poetry about burning down different buildings on campus.”

“I hate delicious beverages,” Peach later added.

Peach said that her last straw with K occurred after a visit to the Health Center when her ailments were laughed at.

“I had a pinched nerve in my throat from eating a Jimmy John’s sandwich.” When asked for more information, Peach stated, “I can hear doubt in your question and I don’t appreciate it. Yes, it’s a real thing that can actually happen and it’s actually very painful. I’ve been holding a frozen bag of peas to my neck every night for a week.”

When asked for comment, the Health Center had little to say. “She came in still eating the JJBLT and told us it was making her throat hurt. We’ve had enough of her. She can suffer for all we care,” one nurse said.

“The secretary [at the Health Center] took one look at me and told me to ‘FOMF.’ I had to Google what that even meant,” Peach said, “and now that I know I don’t appreciate it.”

After posting on Facebook that she had applied and been accepted to Hope College in record time, many other students have decided to follow Peach up north to one of K’s rival schools.

“Kaeli has been telling me relentlessly to transfer all year. It’s like her way of saying hello and goodbye,” said Leland Merrill K’17, a friend of Peach. “When I saw that she was actually going to do it, I thought ‘why not,’ and now I’m going to transfer to Hope as well.”

Six other K students are following Peach to Hope College in the next few days, leaving the administration perplexed.

“We told them we’d give them their diplomas now, we don’t even care, just stay,” said a representative from the College, “why would you want to transfer with so little time left? It doesn’t make any sense.”

When contacted, Hope said that they accepted the new students just to “stick it to K.”

“Your school has had quite the school year, with the NCAA stuff and the W-2’s” said Diego Fomfington, an admissions counselor at Hope. “We figured accepting these students and having them graduate here would be the icing on the cake.”

Peach is excited for her new adventure. “I’m so excited the see what I’m going to hate about Hope,” she said.

Peach says that she will be back at K on June 12 to watch all of her friends who didn’t transfer graduate, as long as her throat heals in time.

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